I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
