so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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