Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
