Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
