The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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