So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
