I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Can I color on your dick again?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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