Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize