She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize