Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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