I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
