so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
