I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
