Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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