Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
