Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
