Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
