I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
