She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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