He disabled his match.com account in front of me
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
In other news, I just burned my penis
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
