Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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