btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
