hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
