Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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