When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
