woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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