My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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