Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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