I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My dad just said "fuck circus"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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