Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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