So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
