The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
