Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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