3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
