today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
