Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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