you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
