this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
