I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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