i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
