At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
