ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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