I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize