Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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