There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
