What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
