wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize