Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
