remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
