Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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