After last night, I could never be a politician.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
