The maid of honor just puked.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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