your thong is hanging out like whoa
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
