Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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