dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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