i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
