A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
did i walk over a car last night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
