i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
