we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
