Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
