I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
