wat bout pragnant strippers??
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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