you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
