Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
