If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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